Soft vs hard parenting

Back story:  so recently I've been thinking about potty training.  A lot.  I've picked up a few books from the library.  One of which seems to promote a parent decides model, another favors a child decides model.  I've been thinking a lot about parenting in general lately as well, so I decided to take my quandaries to the scriptures.

My study question of the week was what is the balance between ordering children to do something and giving them their freedom?  How often/when do you force vs letting them decide?  (I think this topic will be reviewed in future years as well since it's applicable to a whole lot more than potty training).

I started by looking up family, children, responsibilities toward in the topical guide. 

Deut 6:7 "...teach your children diligently..."
Deut 32: 46 "....command your children to do all the words of this law"

     I'm looking a lot at the verbs in the verses listed here under responsibilities toward children.  I'm noticing a trend already:  teach diligently, command.  In many of these verses the verb used is teach.  I figure the most important responsibility is love, but that was it's own section, so this is more about teaching and other responsibilities.

Proverbs 13: 24  "... He that spareth his rod hateth his son, but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."

     Ok the beginning of the verse sounds a bit harsh, but the second part is what I'm looking at here.  Kids need to be chastened betimes.  It's what God does with us.  It's how we grow and for our own good.  He chastens us and backs off to let us grow and learn.

Proverbs 22: 6 (2 Nephi 4: 5)  "... Train up a child inthe way he should go."
Prov 23: 13 "... withhold not correction from the child..."

       Again, so far my search is turning up much more about the parent holding the responsibility to teach, train, command and correct than anything else. 

Col 3: 21 "... provoke not your children to anger..."

1 Nephi 1:1  "... having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught..."

1 Nephi 8: 57  "...he did exhort them with all the feeling of a tender parent, that they would hearken to his words.... yea my father did preach to them..."

        I LOVE the phrase "exhort with all the feeling of a tender parent."  It's exactly what I was looking for: parents should be strong and firm but also tender.  We exhort because we love.  Exhorting should be done with tenderness.

Eph 6: 4 "....and ye fathers provoke not your children to wrath but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."

       I like the phrase nurture AND admonition.  Again this balance between firm and tender- soft and hard, nurture and admonition.  Also, don't make your children angry.

Enos 1:1 "...I Enos, knowing my father that he was a just man- for he taught me in his language and also in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."

        The phrase "he taught me in his language" really struck me while reading this.  I was thinking about it and I think it maybe means he taught in his own way- using his own talents.  Enos's father taught him in the way he knew how- with his unique perspective and personality.  So, first off Enos's father taught in his way, but also in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.  So, he uses his talents and opinions but also strikes that balance with the Lord's way.  I like that.  Using his language- no one right way to parent, we all have our own languages with our children, but should all raise children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. 

Mosiah 1:4  ".....teach them to his children, that thereby they could teach..."

       Ok, this may sound silly but this is just like the potty training book- have your child teach a doll until they have the process down.  Teaching is a great learning tool no matter what the subject :)

Alma 39: 16  "... prepare the minds of their children to hear the word...."

       Preparation is an important part of teaching children.

Joshua 24: 15 ...."choose ye this day whom ye will serve.... as for me and my house we will serve the Lord."

         "As for me and my house we will ..."  here the adult is deciding for his whole household.  You get to choose when you're older but when kids live in your house- you can choose for your house- the adult decides.  

1 Samuel 3: 13  "For I will judge his house forever for the iniquity..... because his sons made themselves vile and he restrained them not...."
       
        This is interesting- we should restrain them when they are making vile choices.

Proverbs 29: 15   "The rod and reproof give wisdom bu a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame."

     This is pretty clear and it answers my question pretty well.  Don't leave a kid alone to choose.  Reprimand bad choices.

3 Jn 1:4  "I ahve no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth"

       We should take joy in our kids.  It should be our greatest joy to teach them and see them succeed.

Jacob 2:35   "... ye have lost the confidence of your children because of your bad examples before them...."

       Live in a way to gain your kids confidence.

Psalms 113: 9 "be a joyful mother of children."

After all this studying about responsibilities toward children, I looked up family duties in the topical guide.  Here are some things I found on family duties:

1 Peter 3:10 "For he that will love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil and his lips that htey speak no guile."

I then listened to L Tom Perry's recent conference address called "Becoming Goodly Parents" and here are some notes I took: 
- place your marriage as your highest priority
-  make life enjoyable for your family that they will want to follow in your footsteps- have fun
-  pray in earnest that God will help you love, guie and understand your children
-  strive to understand your childn's special and specific needs
-  organize your family based on clear, simple family rules and expectations and stick to them
-  children should have household responsibilities and earn allowance
-  our strenthened family cultures will be a protection for our children from their peer cultures
-  teach the doctrine of Christ so they know why to share
- build a strong family culture.  Build it. Fuel it.


Responsibilities of a parent:  teach, train, exhort, love, provide for, nurture.